“ My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this. ”

“ I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. ”

“ If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. ”

“ My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot! ”

“ You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. ”

“ If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' ”

“ For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. ”

“ Nothing in life prepares you to be famous. ”

“ I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. ”

“ If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck. ”