“ Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. ”

“ I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ”

“ In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. ”

“ It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. ”

“ Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. ”

“ What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. ”

“ What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. ”

“ No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. ”

“ If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. ”

“ The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. ”